Who Needs a Fourth Wall Anyway
by siqwithaQ
Summary: All is well within the walls of siqwithaQ's fanfiction!verse. That is, until someone asks the fan author to write his least favourite pairing, ZoSan. OOC emerges, Zoro comes down with a case of Badfic Disorder, and hapless Luffy remains the only one oblivious to the fourth wall.


_A/N: This is the result of someone asking me, twice in succession, to write ZoSan, which is my NOTP (a fact that I have made public enough for people who follow me). I DO NOT MEAN TO BASH THE PAIRING AT ALL, even though I personally dislike it. This parodies poorly written fanfic, which can happen to any pairing. Also, the fourth wall deteriorates ahead. If people want (though I do not think they really will) I might right a continuation just for fun._

_NOTE! If this seems familiar to you, you may have read it before on my tumblr. Please keep this in mind, and don't accuse me of plagiarising myself, as has happened in the past._

* * *

"Oh fuck, oh FUCK!" Zoro yelled.

"What is it?" Sanji asked.

"Someone asked Vincent to write us, his NOTP, romantically!"

Sanji snuffed out his cigarette angrily, only to light up a new one. "Well, shame on them. It's not like it's ever been obscure that Vincent really hates ZoSan."

"Us not fighting right now is as close to writing ZoSan as he'll ever get," Zoro acknowledged. "And even now he has to make us wildly OOC to accomplish that."

Sanji nodded. "And his writing quality is going down because he's really half-assing it." Sanji thought for a second, then followed that up with, "Shit. We're in a badly written ZoSan fanfic."

"If you even _try_ and confess your forbidden love for me, I'll kill you where you stand."

"I was about to say the same."

* * *

Sanji could vaguely hear someone calling his name, but there was no one on deck he could see. He spent two whole minutes looking around, trying to find the source of his name being incessantly called, but no such luck.

Until it suddenly got louder.

"Sanji! _Sanji_!" It was Usopp. And it was coming from within Nami's orange plants. "Over here, Sanji!"

"What the shit are you doing, long nose?" Sanji demanded when he saw where the sniper was. "If you even _think_ about hurting Nami-swan's precious trees…"

"Shh!" Usopp shushed him urgently. "C'mere!"

Sanji was now concerned. "…Okay, what is it?"

"Someone asked Vincent for his NOTP ZoSan again."

Sanji's cigarette fell to the ground. "_No_."

"Yes!" Usopp grabbed his arm and dragged him into the orange forest. "You need to hide!"

"Hide?" It really hadn't been _so_ bad last time Vincent attempted to write ZoSan… There hadn't been anything vaguely romantic about it, and though they had been pretty OOC, it wasn't like he'd been forced to be lovey-dovey with the damn marimo…

Luffy and Chopper suddenly popped up from between the trees.

"Zoro is… ill," Chopper announced. "It's a side effect of all the ZoSan shippers, you see…"

"He's gone crazy!" Luffy said bluntly, smiling as if it were the most amusing thing he could think of. "Everybody's hiding 'cause he says he's gonna kill us or whatever."

"Kill you?!"

Usopp nodded sadly. "He claims we're getting in the way of your love."

Sanji went pale and turned to Chopper. "Just how… _ill_… is he?!"

"He's possessed by the manifestations of representations of himself in various low-quality ZoSan fanfictions," Chopper explained. Luffy and Usopp were staring blankly, so he compressed it into, "He's gone coo-coo for Sanji puffs."

"So he thinks he's in a fanfic?" Sanji asked, suppressing a shudder at the turn of phrase.

"He _is_ in a fanfic," Usopp pointed out. "We're _all_ in a fanfic."

Luffy paused in picking his nose and blinked. "We are? But that's crazy. We're in a pirate ship, not a 'fanatic.'"

"I mean, so he thinks he's in a _different_ fanfic," Sanji amended, ignoring Luffy. The naïve, innocent boy still hadn't had the fourth wall broken for him.

At that moment, Zoro burst onto the deck, weilding three roses in place of his swords "WHERE ARE YOU SANJI MY LOVE" he holwed, his tiepos becoming mroe pornounced over tiem,, "SNAJJJJI!1!"

They all ducked further into the trees. Shouts of "SNAJY" could still be heard.

"Shit," Sanji growled, his fingers itching to reach for a cigarette. "It's worse than I expected. How do we stop it?"

"We keep hiding and wait for it to end," Usopp whispered back.

"How long will that take?"

"He seems to be at the Overly Mushy Climax stage of the Badfic Disorder," diagnosed Chopper, "and we're waiting for him to either hit the Pointless Epilogue stage or the Deadfic stage."

"How will we tell?"

"SNJI WERE R U— ouch! Thorns! Thorns in my tongue!"

They peeked over the tops of the orange trees to see Zoro dropping the roses and reaching up to massage his tongue. "Why the fuck did I have roses in my mouth? The fuck?"

"Oh thank god," Chopper sighed. "He's hit Deadfic."

The three of them — Luffy had wandered off, and was now very close to the fourth wall. They briefly wondered if that would be the day Luffy broke it rather than just observed it, as their captain reached out to try and poke at Vincent's dog — stood and walked out of the trees, now confident that they were in the clear.

However, just as Zoro saw them, hearts filled his eyes. "SAJNI "

Chopper yelped. "I was wrong!" Chopper wailed, in a panic. "He only hit Minor Hiatus stage! HE ONLY HIT MINOR HIATUUUUS!"

The three of them turned and ran. Zroo picked up teh rosses and followde.


End file.
